Don't Let Go
by stardust2002
Summary: What happens when you feel you have nothing to hold onto? A continuation of the scene between Lee and Kara at the end of Resurrection Ship Part 2. Picks up right where that scene ended.


Don't Let Go

This story picks up right at the end of the last scene between Kara and Lee in Resurrection Ship Part 2, where he confesses to her that he didn't want to come back. Seems to me there should have been much more to that scene, but Ron Moore wanted to leave it up to our imagination. Here's my take.

ooooooooooooo

All the colour drained from Kara's face. "What did you say?" she asked quietly.

"You heard me," he answered, in a voice so quiet she could barely hear it. She flinched inwardly; he sounded so ... lifeless. LIke his body came back but his soul was still adrift in space. And indeed it was, Kara had to admit to herself. Lee hadn't been himself these last few weeks. Suddenly it all came clear - his aloof, more formal behaviour, his absence at the triad table during off-shifts, his lack of smiles ... _How could I have missed the signs? Was I so wrapped up in myself?_

"Why?" she whispered.

Finally he turned his head and stared up at her. He didn't need to speak - she could read it in his eyes. Eyes that usually twinkled merrily when he teased her, or flashed like blue lightning when he was angry with her. Now they were a dull blue and the only thing they communicated was hopelessness.

"Oh Lee," she laid a hand on his chest. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"You've had your own problems, especially since you came back from Caprica."

She shook her head sadly. "Was I so lost in my own troubles that you couldn't come to me?" He didn't answer. Didn't know what to say.

"Lee, I'm so sorry. Please, talk to me. Tell me what's wrong," she pleaded. Her heart ached with guilt. She'd almost lost another Adama - and it would have been her fault. Again. She made a silent vow - she would _not_ fail him again. She would _not _lose him. She couldn't bear to lose the man who held what remained of her heart.

"There's nothing to tell." His tone held great weariness. He'd given up. _It's my job to bring him back!_ "I'm just so tired of it all."

"I know it's hard, but you can't give up," Kara encouraged.

"Why not? Why can't I give up? I don't want to be here. I don't want to be doing this anymore." Kara couldn't be sure, but she was almost positive she saw his eyes flash with fire briefly. Well, she knew how to push Lee's buttons, none better. If the only way to get any emotion out of him was to make him angry, so be it.

"Fine then. Why don't you resign? Go join one of the civilian ships and sit around doing nothing till we get to earth. _If _ we ever get there. We don't need you here. No one is irreplaceable."

Lee sat up finally, his face drawn in anger. "What do you want from me Kara? I'm not a god, despite my stupid callsign. I can't live with this anymore. I can't live with the death, the killing. I can't believe you, my father, _the President_ were willing to kill Cain in cold blood. And I was ready to back you up. I would have killed anyone there to protect you. I can't do it anymore." He paused and his anger seemed to deflate slightly. "I may have killed hundreds of people already on the Olympic Carrier."

"I remember," she said introspectively.

"I still dream about it, still feel guilty about it, still can't believe I may have killed all those people just because I was 'following orders'. I can't live with that kind of guilt anymore."

"Welcome to _my_ life Lee. The years since Zack died you've been angry and grieving his loss. Well so have I, but _I _had to live with the guilt of knowing _I _ killed him. _I _ had to live with that and still continue on. You can too."

"I'm not you Kara, in case you hadn't noticed," he spat back angrily.

"No you're not." Her eyes narrowed. "If you were, you'd have let go long ago. I guess you're not as strong as I always thought you were. Maybe it's a good thing I never leaned on you, even when you offered. Obviously you couldn't have taken the pressure of _my _life."

Lee looked at her with pure hatred. "Frak you Kara! Frak you and the stupid frakking ship you flew in on! Just leave me the hell alone!"

It was a full minute before anything happened. Then a slow smile spread across Kara's face. "That's better."

"Better?" he spat.

"At least I know you still care about something." Her smile widened and Lee couldn't help himself. There was something almost magical about Kara's smile. No one could resist it. The corners of Lee's mouth began to turn up.

"Frak you Kara," he repeated, but she just laughed aloud. Within seconds he was laughing too. "How do you _always _ manage to do that to me?"

"Everyone has a skill." She grinned at the memory. Lee obviously remembered too, as the look in his eyes softened.

"Seems you have a few. And they're all annoying too."

"Says you," she challenged, turning up her nose.

"Yeah, I think I just did." He smiled, then the room fell silent for a time.

"Seriously Lee, I can't lose you. Please, talk to me okay? I promise I can help."

"How can you make that promise? I don't think anyone can help me." The despair was evident in his voice as well as his eyes.

"Better to try than to give up," she encouraged.

"Don't you get it? I'm _tired _ of trying. I never wanted this life."

"The cylons never asked us what we wanted," she whispered, echoing Adama's words to her months earlier.

"No they didn't," he said flatly. "I did my duty though - I've followed orders, I've done things I never wanted to do because I believe in something greater than just me and my own selfish wants. But it was all a lie," he turned an agonized face towards her, blue eyes filled with pain. "All a lie."

"How is it a lie?" Kara's brow furrowed with concern.

"I thought we were protecting humanity. Trying to save ourselves and our civilization. I thought everything we did was in the interests of saving our morals and values - that which makes us human. But if we're willing to turn on each other and commit murder just because we can't get along ... how are we better than the cylons? Maybe they're right - maybe we _don't _deserve to live."

"Don't say that? Don't even _think _ it!" she said fiercely.

"Why not? It's true, isn't it? If even people like my father and Roslin are willing to sink this low, well I just don't see any hope for us." He sighed. "I always thought my father was a decent man. A man of principles. I don't always agree with his decisions, but I _never _ thought he'd come to this. He respects life. Roslin too. She's always seemed to be like the military's check and balance to keep us grounded when we tend to go too far. But she _suggested _ this for frak's sake! I respected her! I thought she was an amazing leader. Now I don't know what to think anymore." He was silent for a minute, just staring at the opposite bunks. "The whole foundation I've built my life on since the attack is crumbling," he whispered sadly.

Kara watched him silently struggling, tears forming in her eyes. "What about me?" she asked finally. His eyes moved to the side to focus on hers. "Have you lost all respect for me now too because I was willing to kill Cain?"

A pained look crossed his face. "Of course not. You were just following orders. It's what we do," he added bluntly.

"No I wasn't. Your father asked, it wasn't an order." Lee's eyes widened. "I agreed with him. I thought she was dangerous."

"That may be so, but is murder the right answer?"

"Maybe it is if it's kill or be killed. Cain would have had no qualms about executing your father if it served her purpose. I couldn't stand by and let that happen. I'm not going to let another Adama die - not if I can help it," she said pointedly.

"So it was a pre-emptive strike then?" he asked, face showing plainly that he didn't agree with it.

"Come off your high horse Lee. You know more about history than I do - isn't history full of examples of hostile dictators who harm their own people and need to be removed from power before they destroy everyone?"

"Well ... yeah... but this is different."

"No it isn't," she argued. Lee looked at her disbelievingly. "After the first cylon attack, the Pegasus had a fleet of civilian ships too. Less than us I believe, but some nonetheless. Cain stripped them of all usable technology and useful personnel. She took their FTL drives, their food stores ... all people who had any knowledge useful to her ..." She paused as Lee's eyes widened in shock. "Those ships had _families _aboard Lee. Mothers, fathers, children. Anyone who was drafted to join Cain's crew and refused had to watch their families being gunned down so they had no reason to stay."

Lee's face had gone white. "My gods, I never knew... how did _you _know?"

She gave him a sad look. "You don't think I just said ' yes sir' when your father asked me to kill her do you? Even I'm not that heartless." She turned and faced away from him, not wanting him to see the tears falling. No one saw Kara Thrace cry. No one. Her shoulders shook silently as she tried to stifle the sobs.

Lee put a hand on shoulder gently, comfortingly. "I'm so sorry Kara. I never knew... I thought ..."

"I know what you thought," she interrupted brokenly. "What everyone thinks of me."

"I don't. I never have. I would never have agreed to back you up otherwise."

"Wouldn't you?" she turned to face him. "You knew it was a suicide mission. How the hell were either of us supposed to get off the Pegasus, let alone out of their CIC after I shot Cain? You had to have known it was suicide for both of us." Her anger boiled over suddenly. "You wanted to die anyway, you just confessed that earlier. Why not join me and sign your own death warrant, even if you didn't believe in what I was doing?"

Lee wiped her tears gently, hand lingering on her blotchy pink cheek. "I did it because of you. No other reason. Whatever else happens between us, I'll always be there to watch your back," he said softly, eyes dark with unshed tears.

"How are you supposed to watch my back when you're dead?" she asked sadly, tears beginning to fall again. "Don't leave me Lee. No matter how hard it is - remember it's just as hard for me, and I need you to make it through."

One tear broke free and trailed down Lee's cheek. "How am I supposed to be there for you when I can't even get myself through?"

Kara reached a hand up and caressed his stubbly cheek. "We'll be there for each other, just like you said before. _This _is what it's all about. Helping each other through the tough times."

"They're _all _ tough times."

"We need each other all the more then, don't we?" They stared at each other, then as if with one mind, reached out to pull the other into an embrace. It was awkward, given that they were both sitting on Lee's bunk, but after a few moments they found a comfortable position, arms and legs tangled together, hugging fiercely as if they'd never let go.

"Hold onto me Lee, and don't let go. Don't let go."

_Fin_


End file.
